A Little hope, little excitement!

Well today I put my first earnings in the "for a baby" jar!!! So now i'm so very pleased and it's giving me a little hope again, because its there, it's a jar, and it has money in it! Thats a start right? And by the end of the month it should have a few more dollars in it! So thats even more exciting!  I must post a picture of it.. just for my own motivation. So here's an idea guys and gals, it may take you a little longer, but take some craft or hobby you are good at and sell sell sell! Get yourself a jar or piggy bank and put 1/2 your earnings in that jar to use towards your  "Have A Baby" fund! :)

I spent my day thawing out the kitchen sink pipes, baking a cake for a friend, babysitting, cooking dinner, doing laundry, updating my websites and planner. So I am now exhausted and going to relax, hopefully.  Enjoy your evening everyone!

bedtime is the worse part 2

But that quiz gave me hope again, even though just briefly... I don't know where to turn any more..at this point i cant even turn to my husband because he doesnt get it, not really.. So here i am, lying awake in bed thinking about all these things and crying..one would think my tear ducts would be dried up by now.. Well hope you all are having a better night then i am

Bed time is the worse..

night time is the worse time for me..i have so much "quiet" time to sit and think about all of this...and then just cry and cry and cry until i eventually fall asleep. Not only am i thinking about all the infertility problems but now i am probably over thinking things, for example my my husbands gram had one child then her son had one child, my husband, and my husband has a child to someone else.. So here i am thinking (excuse me for being so blunt here but there really is no other way around it) ,did he give away his one good sperm? I mean the test says his swimmers are fine but i'm thinking about facts here visual facts..i already feel like my hearts broken into a million and one pieces and i feel so empty..this is just not helping! I keep asking why? When is it my turn? Things like that, obviously not getting any answers.. You know how crazy it is? The other day i took a stupid little online quiz and it said i'd have my first child at 30, hello i'm 30 now..well that nonsense know nothing test, gave me h

Oh, one more thing! :)

Please be sure and check out The StirUp Queen's List Of Blogs, aka "the Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer", at http://www.stirrup-queens.com/a-whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you-sorted-and-filed/

Another day..

Well here we are, a new week, a  new day.. yet I still feel the same as I did last week, yesterday.  Yesterday was really rough, you see some people in my family like to brag about things, like how much money they make or what they will get back at income tax season, how big their engagement ring is, things of that nature.  Well I have been so emotional when one of these people said how much they were going to be getting back, I just burst into tears!  With that kind of money I could have easily paid for a cycle of IVF and still had some left over. But that just seems to be another thing that those fortunate enough to have kids, reap the rewards of.  It's not the money I even care about, it's how easily it's coming to them when those of us who don't have children, are out here working our asses off in order to come up with the money to just "try" and have children.  I write to my State Representative(big jerk that he is) every time I get a chance about making insurance companies cover things of this nature, and you know one time I even got a letter back from him explaining that his sister to had to go through IVF in order to have children and was successful. But he doesn't support this. Umm, what??? Although, they are more fortunate and had the money to go forward with everything, I still find it very hard to believe how you can be that close to someone experiencing this and not support helping other with it?  Mind boggling .. thats all I can say.   I mean do you seriously not have a heart at all?  I mean when will people stop and pay attention? Educate yourselves on this before you automatically decide you will not support the bill to cover ivf and infertilty, instead of thinking Oh NO, it will cost me so much more blah, blah, blah.  Actually if a company of average size would make this coverage available, each persons cost of insurance would go up a little over $1.00 a month! Is that so much to ask, hell not to me.. uuggghhh just so FRUSTRATED with the way this government works!

not a good day...

As long as I have been dealing with infertility now, it still seems to get the better of me each and every month when mother nature takes over my body... So this has been a very sad, depressing week for me.  Not to mention all the while  you're enduring this battle, it seems as if everyone around you is pregnant and happy and planning baby showers.  Makes it an even more difficult time.  People may think you're ignorant because you choose not to attend such things, it's truly not out of ignorance, its just to avoid added hurt to ourselves. Because we see it as it all coming so easy for so many others out there, so why not us? When is it our turn to experience all this happiness and joy and excitement? What  am I not doing that they appearntly did do?  It leads to so many "what if's" and "how come" ... all the more unbearable things, unanswered questions..

This week I've just wanted to sit and mope and cry and feel sorry for myself, however a counselor for RESOLVE,  (www.resolve.org)once told me it's healthy to cry about this, but only allow yourself a set amount of time each day to talk about it and cry.  So I try, but this time of the month it's a bit harder to do. 

I've gotten to a point where I am beginning to lose all hope I had of becoming a mother.  Which makes this all even more difficult.  I'm 30 years old already, until I'd save enough money to have IVF I would certainly be much to old to go through it.  But I keep trying to convince myself that there are some financial options out there, so if I can just get enough for that initial down payment I will be good to go.  However, I don't exactly know what that cost is, so I've just set a goal, and every time I sell one of my crafty projects, or do a cake for someone, I put half the money into a jar that sits atop my desk, once I reach that amount I will then try to move forward and find out the options and how to go forward. I am hoping to reach my goal by summer 2011.  I'm not getting any younger, and I swear I hear my biological clock ticking louder and louder each day, lol. Probably just another paranoid gesture that goes with the battle, but none the less a worrisome one.

Wishing you all the best in you battle!

Wish I Was A Mommy