Friday, March 25, 2011


I have been so very depressed today, I mean this has been one of the worse days I've had in a really long time. I have done nothing but cry all day long, literally.  And of course the husband is being his usual non-supportive self and then he just says mean/ignorant heartless things to me and that just leads to arguing.  I am not in a good way right now, not at all. Usually I can cry for a couple hours and then I can put a smile on my face and pretend all is well, not today.. this just refuses to let up, I have no idea how I have any tears left to cry... I just can't help but wonder when? When is it my turn to be happy?  What did I do so wrong that all this is going on in my life?  They say good things come to those who wait, well how long exactly do I have to wait?

Sorry ladies, I'm just really not having a good day, not even a half decent day...

Sunday, March 20, 2011

not a good night part 2

I dont know what to do.. Guess I will just take full control of my baby situation.. As horrible as this may sound to some of you, at this point, I dont even want to have a child to him. Id much rather pick my baby daddy from a catalog or find a really good friend to donate to me..i know, i know..sounds horrible but sometimes in life you got to do what you got to do. And i feel like this may be what i have to do. If i have to go thru this alone and always be alone in every part of it, then this baby that i hope to some day have, is mine and mine alone. Just seems right.. So i guess next thing on my to do list is get my license. Well ladies, i truly, truly hope you're all doing better then I.. Good luck and best wishes to you all!

Not A Good Night

Well lately my husband has been (and excuse my language) a complete asshole! Telling me about all things I dont do or cant do and telling me the things I do do are wrong.. I keep telling myself and in fact I told him tonight, some day I am going to use the brain that god gave me and I am going to pack my things and walk. I dont get the support I need from him in anything important to me, like trying to have a baby, he knows there are NO doctors close to where we live, cosest is about 2-2 1/2 hours away, he also knows I dont have a drivers license, and yet he says "so make an appt and see if someone can take you to them"... Are serious?!?! Is this "someone" going to father my child to since they will be there and you're not??? I am so hurt and fed up and I want to just leave no matter how much it hurts me..but i can't..well its not that I cant either..but I wont. I dont know why I allow myself to be treated this way..and I shouldnt have to feel this way..especially not when it comes to ones husband..

Friday, March 18, 2011

more thinking part 2

im much much older and god calls my name, there will be nothing left of me here. and ill never have grandchildren or see my kids graduate.. And i will continue to resent my husband and some what hate him for the things hes done and for having a child to some other woman... So this is where i am today ladies..still lost alone, besides you guys :) and scared to death. On a very emotional roller coaster and its got more leaps and dips then i like... Hope you're all doing much better than i..

More thinking.. Like thats something new..

ok so being that all this ivf stuff is so extremely expensive and i am not rich..far from it actually. So this rsi has an egg donor program and if you qualify and meet all the requirements you could be compensated up to $5000.00 to donate eggs.. So i started looking into it, requested more info and all that goes with it, really considering it all..well as i glance over the 1000 page (little sarcasm for ya) pre-qualification application, one of the questions is "how do you think you would feel not knowing if a child was conceived using your eggs?" i immediately repeat that to my husband and the first thing that comes to mind is "someone else could have my babies before i ever do." now im sure thats not how i should answer that question on the app. But that was my immediate answer..which is now making me re-think all of this..this is such a stressful, heartbreaking situation and im so afraid that ill make the wrong decision.. And even more so im afraid that i may never get to have my baby(s).. And some day

Monday, March 14, 2011

Another depressing day..

Well I am still depressed today, not crying because I must associate with others today and I try to keep my emotions away, so as not to look or feel so vulnerable around others, or have them poking and prodding me about what's wrong.. I'm sure you all know how that goes. I am checking into , they are located in Wyomissing,PA. So thats a little closer to me, yeah have I mentioned there are no dr.s or R.E.'s in my area? Yep, makes the situation that much more difficult! Especially since I don't have a drivers license, which is simply my own fault, but none the less an issue to add to the issue! I was also looking at this site which seems to have there own financing and quite a few locations!  Haven't done much research on either however I did find them this morning and thought I would share with everyone! :)  Hoping you all are having a wonderful day! Good luck in your journey to parenthood!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

its been awhile...

well I know it,s been awhile since my last post however my husbands step father passed away and i had to take care of some things. My brother in-law was also in due to this (from Japan) which I am glad he was here after waking up and hearing about the tsunami! He actually left to go back today and im still a bit worried due to the fact that they are worried about a problem with the nuclear plant. I am EXTREMELY depressed! Just hit me all of a sudden! I am crying as I blog.. Every month, every week, evey day, I think hey maybe by some freak accident I'll get pregnant...and then again I don't! It hurts so bad! At some point you would think you'd get used to the disappointment, but you don't I actually think it hurts more every single time you start your menstrual cycle :( I have no idea what to do with myself! My area has no kind of support group for this type of thing, my husband doesn't get it any more, my mother has 3 kids my dad 7. So nobody gets it! & I lay here hoping, praying 4 my chance @ havin a baby