Thursday, February 3, 2011

not a good day...

As long as I have been dealing with infertility now, it still seems to get the better of me each and every month when mother nature takes over my body... So this has been a very sad, depressing week for me.  Not to mention all the while  you're enduring this battle, it seems as if everyone around you is pregnant and happy and planning baby showers.  Makes it an even more difficult time.  People may think you're ignorant because you choose not to attend such things, it's truly not out of ignorance, its just to avoid added hurt to ourselves. Because we see it as it all coming so easy for so many others out there, so why not us? When is it our turn to experience all this happiness and joy and excitement? What  am I not doing that they appearntly did do?  It leads to so many "what if's" and "how come" ... all the more unbearable things, unanswered questions..

This week I've just wanted to sit and mope and cry and feel sorry for myself, however a counselor for RESOLVE,  ( told me it's healthy to cry about this, but only allow yourself a set amount of time each day to talk about it and cry.  So I try, but this time of the month it's a bit harder to do. 

I've gotten to a point where I am beginning to lose all hope I had of becoming a mother.  Which makes this all even more difficult.  I'm 30 years old already, until I'd save enough money to have IVF I would certainly be much to old to go through it.  But I keep trying to convince myself that there are some financial options out there, so if I can just get enough for that initial down payment I will be good to go.  However, I don't exactly know what that cost is, so I've just set a goal, and every time I sell one of my crafty projects, or do a cake for someone, I put half the money into a jar that sits atop my desk, once I reach that amount I will then try to move forward and find out the options and how to go forward. I am hoping to reach my goal by summer 2011.  I'm not getting any younger, and I swear I hear my biological clock ticking louder and louder each day, lol. Probably just another paranoid gesture that goes with the battle, but none the less a worrisome one.

Wishing you all the best in you battle!

Wish I Was A Mommy


  1. It can feel so hopeless at times for those of us who just can't spare the extra cash for treatments. It's good that you have some side things you're able to do though! What kind of crafts do you make? Your story is heartbreaking by the way, and I hope that at the very least the blogging community will offer you the emotional support that you need. They've done wonders for me and others as well.
    Best of luck, and I'm looking forward to reading more! :)

  2. Jackie, I do alot of different crafts, I've done scrapbooks for people, make mason jar lamps, I do some cake decorating.. none of it however is quite enough to get me the cash to achieve my DREAM... some ppl want to be millionaires, or doctors or actress', me, I just want to be a MOMMY. :)