Its crazy how....

Its crazy how after so many years of not seeingg you, then a couple hours and a few words and i cant get you out of my head...probably the smartest thing i coulda done was take myself out of the situuation..probably whats best for both of us, so why does it feel so wrong?!?!?maybe its not even that it feels wrong, maybe its just a bothersome feeling, why do i feel like this???? Especially knowinvg that it was never a serious sitation, and more then likely never would have been...

After 11 1/2 years...

Some how i think that after 11 1/2 yrs. I am beginning to resent my husband (for his illegitimate child during our marriage) even more now...maybe its got something to do with fathers day, but just looking at him i feel so much anger, so much hurt, even hatred. My brothers gf is pregnant, her babyyshower is this coming Sunday, i usually avoid these events because it just hurts a bit too much, but i cant this one, so im wondering how im going to get through this..im so sick and tired of being sick and tired, tired of crying, tired of hurting, i try and always have hope & faith, but im worried that even that is now fading...

So I Find Myself In Tears Again..

Here i am crying again..theres so much that i deal with on my own, not by choice but no one else bothers so its just me in this battle. So with all that i already deal with, i come tind that my dh is friends with his ex (mayve even ex's i just stopped looking after seeing the first) on facebook of courae. Needless to say im even more upset now, and his andwer to me when i asked him "why would you be friends with youur ex on fb", was oh you need to see a shrink its nothing.. at this point im just trying tto find the strength to pack up and leave. I dont need this crap, always being told im wrong, im crazy everything i doo is wrong...ive got enough to deal with i dont need this kind of stttuff on top of eveerything else...

Some goood news, or so it seems right now :)

Got the email from RSI and my tubal blockage doesnt disqualify me as an egg donor. So whule thats pretty good news i find myself wondering, is it wrong of me to donate eggs in order to use the money towards my infertility problems? Im pretty sure its not, because while yes i would be donating ny eggs to use the money towards my own infertility issues, i would also be donating eggs whuch will potentially help other women with their own infertility problems, right????

SAD, LONELY DAY....

Such a long, sad lonely day! Today while envying all those who have been blessed with babies, i also couuldnt help but think im p30 yrs. old, maybe i should accept that im never going to have babies. Thinking like that rreally hurtts, but that couldd very well be the reality oof it all for me. Itss prettty scary tto think about, im already manic depressive and i sometimes have these spells where i will lie in bed for daays and cry. I dont know where to turn any more, hoping that RSI doesnt disqualify me because of the tubal blockage, thatt could really help me ou in the long run.. So hopefully ill get some good news this week, fingeers crossed :) Oh! Happy Mothers Day to all you waiting paatiently to be Moms!! We count to!

mothers day. :(

Well mothers day is almost here and I'm depressed again. Id like a positive pregnancy test for mothers day, wishful thinking...I rrally have no idea what to do any more. I feel so alone and I'm so sick of all this. Some days I wish "CALGON" really could take me away. To all my readers happy moms 2 be day! And good luck in all you do!

Here we are

a new month..another "blow to the gut from mother nature" and the husband has made some pretty harsh remarks and i've made sure to save the text so when im looking for donor "swimmers" i wont feel like such an a$$. I have learned recently that u can have a fundraiser thru pampered chef to help u raise money for infertility treatments :) well wishing you all the very best ..i need to relax before i have a nervous breakdown..

Wondering

I have been so very depressed today, I mean this has been one of the worse days I've had in a really long time. I have done nothing but cry all day long, literally.  And of course the husband is being his usual non-supportive self and then he just says mean/ignorant heartless things to me and that just leads to arguing.  I am not in a good way right now, not at all. Usually I can cry for a couple hours and then I can put a smile on my face and pretend all is well, not today.. this just refuses to let up, I have no idea how I have any tears left to cry... I just can't help but wonder when? When is it my turn to be happy?  What did I do so wrong that all this is going on in my life?  They say good things come to those who wait, well how long exactly do I have to wait?

Sorry ladies, I'm just really not having a good day, not even a half decent day...

not a good night part 2

I dont know what to do.. Guess I will just take full control of my baby situation.. As horrible as this may sound to some of you, at this point, I dont even want to have a child to him. Id much rather pick my baby daddy from a catalog or find a really good friend to donate to me..i know, i know..sounds horrible but sometimes in life you got to do what you got to do. And i feel like this may be what i have to do. If i have to go thru this alone and always be alone in every part of it, then this baby that i hope to some day have, is mine and mine alone. Just seems right.. So i guess next thing on my to do list is get my license. Well ladies, i truly, truly hope you're all doing better then I.. Good luck and best wishes to you all!

Not A Good Night

Well lately my husband has been (and excuse my language) a complete asshole! Telling me about all things I dont do or cant do and telling me the things I do do are wrong.. I keep telling myself and in fact I told him tonight, some day I am going to use the brain that god gave me and I am going to pack my things and walk. I dont get the support I need from him in anything important to me, like trying to have a baby, he knows there are NO doctors close to where we live, cosest is about 2-2 1/2 hours away, he also knows I dont have a drivers license, and yet he says "so make an appt and see if someone can take you to them"... Are serious?!?! Is this "someone" going to father my child to since they will be there and you're not??? I am so hurt and fed up and I want to just leave no matter how much it hurts me..but i can't..well its not that I cant either..but I wont. I dont know why I allow myself to be treated this way..and I shouldnt have to feel this way..especially not when it comes to ones husband..

more thinking part 2

im much much older and god calls my name, there will be nothing left of me here. and ill never have grandchildren or see my kids graduate.. And i will continue to resent my husband and some what hate him for the things hes done and for having a child to some other woman... So this is where i am today ladies..still lost alone, besides you guys :) and scared to death. On a very emotional roller coaster and its got more leaps and dips then i like... Hope you're all doing much better than i..

More thinking.. Like thats something new..

ok so being that all this ivf stuff is so extremely expensive and i am not rich..far from it actually. So this rsi has an egg donor program and if you qualify and meet all the requirements you could be compensated up to $5000.00 to donate eggs.. So i started looking into it, requested more info and all that goes with it, really considering it all..well as i glance over the 1000 page (little sarcasm for ya) pre-qualification application, one of the questions is "how do you think you would feel not knowing if a child was conceived using your eggs?" i immediately repeat that to my husband and the first thing that comes to mind is "someone else could have my babies before i ever do." now im sure thats not how i should answer that question on the app. But that was my immediate answer..which is now making me re-think all of this..this is such a stressful, heartbreaking situation and im so afraid that ill make the wrong decision.. And even more so im afraid that i may never get to have my baby(s).. And some day

Another depressing day..

Well I am still depressed today, not crying because I must associate with others today and I try to keep my emotions away, so as not to look or feel so vulnerable around others, or have them poking and prodding me about what's wrong.. I'm sure you all know how that goes. I am checking into www.rsiinfertility.com , they are located in Wyomissing,PA. So thats a little closer to me, yeah have I mentioned there are no dr.s or R.E.'s in my area? Yep, makes the situation that much more difficult! Especially since I don't have a drivers license, which is simply my own fault, but none the less an issue to add to the issue! I was also looking at this site http://www.attainivf.com which seems to have there own financing and quite a few locations!  Haven't done much research on either however I did find them this morning and thought I would share with everyone! :)  Hoping you all are having a wonderful day! Good luck in your journey to parenthood!

its been awhile...

well I know it,s been awhile since my last post however my husbands step father passed away and i had to take care of some things. My brother in-law was also in due to this (from Japan) which I am glad he was here after waking up and hearing about the tsunami! He actually left to go back today and im still a bit worried due to the fact that they are worried about a problem with the nuclear plant. I am EXTREMELY depressed! Just hit me all of a sudden! I am crying as I blog.. Every month, every week, evey day, I think hey maybe by some freak accident I'll get pregnant...and then again I don't! It hurts so bad! At some point you would think you'd get used to the disappointment, but you don't I actually think it hurts more every single time you start your menstrual cycle :( I have no idea what to do with myself! My area has no kind of support group for this type of thing, my husband doesn't get it any more, my mother has 3 kids my dad 7. So nobody gets it! & I lay here hoping, praying 4 my chance @ havin a baby

A Little hope, little excitement!

Well today I put my first earnings in the "for a baby" jar!!! So now i'm so very pleased and it's giving me a little hope again, because its there, it's a jar, and it has money in it! Thats a start right? And by the end of the month it should have a few more dollars in it! So thats even more exciting!  I must post a picture of it.. just for my own motivation. So here's an idea guys and gals, it may take you a little longer, but take some craft or hobby you are good at and sell sell sell! Get yourself a jar or piggy bank and put 1/2 your earnings in that jar to use towards your  "Have A Baby" fund! :)

I spent my day thawing out the kitchen sink pipes, baking a cake for a friend, babysitting, cooking dinner, doing laundry, updating my websites and planner. So I am now exhausted and going to relax, hopefully.  Enjoy your evening everyone!

bedtime is the worse part 2

But that quiz gave me hope again, even though just briefly... I don't know where to turn any more..at this point i cant even turn to my husband because he doesnt get it, not really.. So here i am, lying awake in bed thinking about all these things and crying..one would think my tear ducts would be dried up by now.. Well hope you all are having a better night then i am

Bed time is the worse..

night time is the worse time for me..i have so much "quiet" time to sit and think about all of this...and then just cry and cry and cry until i eventually fall asleep. Not only am i thinking about all the infertility problems but now i am probably over thinking things, for example my my husbands gram had one child then her son had one child, my husband, and my husband has a child to someone else.. So here i am thinking (excuse me for being so blunt here but there really is no other way around it) ,did he give away his one good sperm? I mean the test says his swimmers are fine but i'm thinking about facts here visual facts..i already feel like my hearts broken into a million and one pieces and i feel so empty..this is just not helping! I keep asking why? When is it my turn? Things like that, obviously not getting any answers.. You know how crazy it is? The other day i took a stupid little online quiz and it said i'd have my first child at 30, hello i'm 30 now..well that nonsense know nothing test, gave me h

Oh, one more thing! :)

Please be sure and check out The StirUp Queen's List Of Blogs, aka "the Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer", at http://www.stirrup-queens.com/a-whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you-sorted-and-filed/

Another day..

Well here we are, a new week, a  new day.. yet I still feel the same as I did last week, yesterday.  Yesterday was really rough, you see some people in my family like to brag about things, like how much money they make or what they will get back at income tax season, how big their engagement ring is, things of that nature.  Well I have been so emotional when one of these people said how much they were going to be getting back, I just burst into tears!  With that kind of money I could have easily paid for a cycle of IVF and still had some left over. But that just seems to be another thing that those fortunate enough to have kids, reap the rewards of.  It's not the money I even care about, it's how easily it's coming to them when those of us who don't have children, are out here working our asses off in order to come up with the money to just "try" and have children.  I write to my State Representative(big jerk that he is) every time I get a chance about making insurance companies cover things of this nature, and you know one time I even got a letter back from him explaining that his sister to had to go through IVF in order to have children and was successful. But he doesn't support this. Umm, what??? Although, they are more fortunate and had the money to go forward with everything, I still find it very hard to believe how you can be that close to someone experiencing this and not support helping other with it?  Mind boggling .. thats all I can say.   I mean do you seriously not have a heart at all?  I mean when will people stop and pay attention? Educate yourselves on this before you automatically decide you will not support the bill to cover ivf and infertilty, instead of thinking Oh NO, it will cost me so much more blah, blah, blah.  Actually if a company of average size would make this coverage available, each persons cost of insurance would go up a little over $1.00 a month! Is that so much to ask, hell not to me.. uuggghhh just so FRUSTRATED with the way this government works!

not a good day...

As long as I have been dealing with infertility now, it still seems to get the better of me each and every month when mother nature takes over my body... So this has been a very sad, depressing week for me.  Not to mention all the while  you're enduring this battle, it seems as if everyone around you is pregnant and happy and planning baby showers.  Makes it an even more difficult time.  People may think you're ignorant because you choose not to attend such things, it's truly not out of ignorance, its just to avoid added hurt to ourselves. Because we see it as it all coming so easy for so many others out there, so why not us? When is it our turn to experience all this happiness and joy and excitement? What  am I not doing that they appearntly did do?  It leads to so many "what if's" and "how come" ... all the more unbearable things, unanswered questions..

This week I've just wanted to sit and mope and cry and feel sorry for myself, however a counselor for RESOLVE,  (www.resolve.org)once told me it's healthy to cry about this, but only allow yourself a set amount of time each day to talk about it and cry.  So I try, but this time of the month it's a bit harder to do. 

I've gotten to a point where I am beginning to lose all hope I had of becoming a mother.  Which makes this all even more difficult.  I'm 30 years old already, until I'd save enough money to have IVF I would certainly be much to old to go through it.  But I keep trying to convince myself that there are some financial options out there, so if I can just get enough for that initial down payment I will be good to go.  However, I don't exactly know what that cost is, so I've just set a goal, and every time I sell one of my crafty projects, or do a cake for someone, I put half the money into a jar that sits atop my desk, once I reach that amount I will then try to move forward and find out the options and how to go forward. I am hoping to reach my goal by summer 2011.  I'm not getting any younger, and I swear I hear my biological clock ticking louder and louder each day, lol. Probably just another paranoid gesture that goes with the battle, but none the less a worrisome one.

Wishing you all the best in you battle!

Wish I Was A Mommy

BBT Charting

Well while doing all sorts of research today, I decided that I am going to start charting my basal body temperature, in order to see when I may be ovulating. I feel it can't hurt to start this while trying to find ways to come up with the funding to proceed with infertility treatments.

For those of you interested in also starting to chart you bbt, this website has excellent instructions on how to go about it!  And I only paid $10.00 for my basal body thermometer at Target!  http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/bbt/bbtfaq.html   There is also a printable chart on this website.  Let's hope this goes well! :)

The more research..

I am finding the more research I do, the more ignorance I find to go with it all. People who think its unnecessary and shouldn't be messed with and so many things and they have so many rude things to say about it.  I say they need to educate themselves on the issues at hand, before they go posting rude opinions such as they do.  Until you've gone through it, you can not understand it.

My Story & My First Blog...

Well let's see, I've never done a blog before, however I have written in a journal, so I think I should be able to handle this. I will start off by telling my story. 

I am 30 years old now, I found out that I have tubal infertility at 20.  Very devestated, unsure, hurt, I had no idea what to do or where to go with this, in fact I kept it from most of my family and friends until just recently, I've actually started to tell people, of course not everyone, but some.  During this, my husband had an affair, resulting in the birth of a child, who is now 11 years old. This has made my battle with infertility even harder. The one person I thought I could trust in knowing this and understand and be there for me, now does not and has betrayed my trust. Not only did he have an affair he also told this person of my unfortunate situation, this just completely crushed me.  Now I feel that I am fighting this alone.  I don't have a license, never have, closest R.E. is 2 hours from me, I can't even get him to take off work in order to take me to these very important and much needed appointments.  I'm not rich, not even close, I am currently unemployed, for the last 5 months now, and looking for gainful employment.  So therefore, I have no insurance at all right now.  I cry alot, which I know doesn't help, but it hurts so much and I can't really talk about this, because then I cry, and no one really seems to get it.  And I don't like hearing " I know how you feel" from people with 5 kids, who really don't know how I feel. I know they mean well, but please think before you say things like that to someone in a situation such as mine. 

So right now I am trying to do alot more research on things out there. I'm searching for grants and scholoarships for infertility, I am trying to find ideas on how to earn money for infertility, buy selling a craft or things of that nature.  I will try and post all that I find, however if any of you out here in the internet world, have any information on any of this that you feel may help, PLEASE PLEASE share...

Wishing all of you success in becoming parents to happy healthy children...